I suppose this being yet another polarized election year, I finally decided I really wanted one in my own yard, and if that was the case, I could certainly make it possible for others to do the same.
Unfortunately the reasons I never made it available for sale before now have been apparent over the past month as I’ve tried to create the product and make it available on Zazzle. The interruptions of 3 small children are endless.
I’m still working to make different sizes available, but I’ve got 2 options available in the shop now. Honestly, I’m not even sure I’ll get mine before election day, but I suppose it’s worthwhile even afterward! Time to publicly out myself as a Catholic to every neighbor I haven’t met and every stranger that drives by! Pray for us!
You may not have come across them yet, but these yard signs have become rather prevalent in some of the neighborhoods I drive through to get to work.
By now I’ve had a few weeks reflecting on this as I drive in everyday. And more recently I found this article in the Huffington Post as to how it originated. I have put together a response, but first it may be best to reflect on why I felt compelled to do so.
I do not feel I need to respond because I inherently disagree with what is on the sign. In fact, if you take each phrase literally, with no context, I actually agree with the original sign 95%. In fact, the only thing I don’t completely agree with is that Kindness is Everything (kindness is entirely valuable and necessary, but not everything) So why say anything? Why reflect on this at all?
Because as a Catholic in the U.S. what I believe doesn’t fit with the major narrative of either the political left or the political right. Even in the Huffington Post article, it’s clear that the above sign took off after the presidential election. And I really understand this. President Trump is extreme and so the negative backlash has also been extreme. But I find myself unable to join in with either side because neither is based in the fullness of truth. My reaction to the above sign was to reflect, think, and analyze rather than to take it purely at face value. Why? Because I have always been challenged by the Catholic church to reflect, think and analyze, to use the intellect and will that God has given me to pursue truth, beauty and goodness.
And I know the context of this sign, I know not only what it says in terms of face value but also what it implies. There are two sides and this sign represents one. It’s evident in Huffington Post comment box. You might even be able to put me into the ‘religious right’ that many talk about as being opposed to this sign (though my political views aren’t all that right or even fit on the left-right scale).
It’s either ‘black lives matter’ (political left) or ‘blue lives matter’ or even ‘all lives matter’ (political right). Well, as a Catholic, I absolutely believe in protecting the vulnerable, and there’s no question that black lives are vulnerable. I also believe that ‘all lives matter’ and that violence against police officers is unjustifiable and even dangerous to our society.
‘Women’s rights are human rights’ is something I completely agree with. But I also believe that not only is abortion not a human right, but that it violates human rights.
‘No human is illegal’ is one of the easier ones to get on board with 100%. As a Catholic, I believe in care for the immigrant, that our love of neighbor does not have borders. I do also believe that a country has a right to protect its borders. There is no simple solution but it is an issue that we must wrestle with because lives are on the line.
‘Science is real’ is one that I didn’t know was in debate but I have to talk about because the implication is that there are some who believe that science isn’t real. Science is a system that organizes, builds and tests knowledge. So in that context an argument about the reality of science makes very little sense to me.
‘Love is love’ has always bothered me, because one, on the surface it means absolutely nothing. It is like saying a = a. This is obvious and meaningless. But, the implication, that all love is the same, is simply untrue. I do not love my dog the way I love brownies, my daughter or my husband. It is important and necessary that I love them each differently.
I think it is impossible to fully express all that I believe in the context of a yard sign. But a sign like the one above compelled me to try, even if just to let someone else know that there is an option outside of ‘right’ and ‘left.’ My hope is that it would pique someone’s curiosity and encourage them to ask questions. I know I would be happy to have that conversation!
Here is my response.
Update Oct. 12, 2020: The sign is now available for sale and you can find more information here.
I have been working in the pro-life movement for a long time now. I know very well that to be authentically pro-life means to uphold the dignity of every human life without exception; there literally is no other way to build a Culture of Life. Anything less works against our cause. But when I really let myself think about it, I mourn for the children. Yes, for the unborn, but for all children. They are so vulnerable, only victims of this society in which we live. Of course this has only intensified as I’ve become a mother. I can’t stand to hear of stories of abuse or neglect. It breaks my heart to see parents placing their desires over the needs of their children. I want to save them all. Ridiculous, I know. I’m certainly not perfect. But even more so, they don’t need to be saved by me. They need to be loved by their mother and father. That is what is owed to them.
“[The] child [has a] right to be born of a father and mother known to him and bound to each other by marriage” (Catechism of the Catholic Church, 2376)
How is it that we can recognize the negative impact of absent fathers yet willingly define marriage as lacking a father or a mother? I don’t know why I ask the question; it is because our society is primarily concerned about what adults desire than what children need. And this is not a new phenomenon. Examples include no fault divorce, IVF and today, “marriage” that does not require a man (who could be father) and woman (who could be mother). We cannot claim that divorce is generally best for children. Pope Francis recently said that separation is sometimes necessary (but this is not new). We certainly cannot claim that IVF is the safest place for children to be conceived, yet we willingly put our children at risk of death so that we can have children.
Yes, due to technology, sex and procreation no longer have to go to together. But is encouraging such a separation what is best for our children? Children conceived through a third party are already speaking out, demanding to know who their biological parents are. And who can blame them? Our biology is part of who we are. Children inherently desire (and deserve) to know their mother and father.
It is a tragedy when a parent is taken from us too soon. But because some children are forced to get by without one parent or both does not mean we should multiply such a tragedy. This reality should push us to protect and uphold the relationship between father, mother and child. Today, we have done the opposite.
Some will suggest that having two parents is all that matters. Of course, to that I would ask, why just two? Why not three or four or five? More people loving a child is always a good thing, and I do not say that facetiously. But when you remove gender from the equation, then we deny the unique, beautiful, complimentary equality of man and woman. Our children know that gender matters; this is why they desire to know their father or mother if not present in his/her life. And I cannot help but find it ironic that as a society we simultaneously believe that gender is unimportant when it comes to marriage but so important when it comes to identity that we support serious surgery in an attempt to match biological sex with felt gender.
I imagine some will be angry or frustrated with me because for them the love between two men or two women has nothing to do with children (and in fact I agree with them), but they believe marriage as defined as one man and one woman results in the denial of the love between two men or two women. I do not deny the love felt between two men or two women. I also do not deny the serious pain in marriages that may lead one or both to seek divorce or the heartache of couples that struggle to conceive and therefore seek out IVF. These feelings and desires are real. I do not wish to ignore them or neglect these struggles. But I cannot endorse decisions that place the needs of our children last.
“I have told you this so that you might have peace in me. In the world you will have trouble, but take courage, I have conquered the world.” (John 16:33)
Because this is more beautiful than anything else I can say:
I have read it and heard it a hundred times. When you become a mom, it’s important to take care of yourself, your marriage, your prayer life, etc. Make time for prayer, make time for date nights, make time for friends, for fun, for alone time, on and on and on. It’s safe to say that when I thought about my new life as a mother, I wasn’t really worried about this. While I am by no means perfect at it, I have prided myself on self-awareness and my ability to draw boundaries as needed to avoid burnout.
What you won’t be surprised to hear is that this is so much harder than I expected. But what may surprise you is that most days I do not feel like I’m burning out. Honestly, I don’t understand it. Before becoming pregnant one of my primary struggles was taking time for prayer. I tried everyday to take that time and when I did I saw the difference that it made. Once pregnant, a lot changed. I found myself so sick that the thing I struggled to do the most was eat something. My exhaustion made my nausea worse, so sleep become the other priority. If I didn’t sleep, then I had less ability to work. My prayer became offering my suffering for my daughter and my family. I actually had a great deal of peace about this. Even after my daughter was born, in the confessional priests have told me to be easy on myself – my life is radically different.
What I’m experiencing now is something I could not have expected. I always thought that I would absolutely need my morning prayer time to avoid burning out. But I’m still going. I thought I would need date nights in order to fuel my marriage and I thought the hardest thing about going out would be entrusting my daughter to a babysitter. But I’m finding that this is not the case.
Yes, especially working outside the home full time, I miss my daughter when I’m not with her. I like being with her on weekends, so I can’t say I’m anxious to drop her off with grandma. But there are other things that are hard about leaving her. Breastfeeding is important to me, so before going out I have to express breast milk. I hate pumping, I really do. I find it tedious and even a bit stressful. My daughter also doesn’t sleep well, so routine is important and affects her future sleep. So knowing she might not sleep as well without me (and therefore I won’t sleep as well later) is stressful, too. It’s not just about attachment.
I love spending time with my husband, as well. I love that we get to have dinner together every night after K goes to bed. We eat and then talk until I’m too exhausted to keep my eyes open. I even get annoyed when I realize my nails need to be trimmed…again. Yet another thing to do! My husband is extraordinarily gracious. Most days I seem to have no time except to go to work and care for our daughter. The only chore I still manage is laundry. While I’m caring for K, my husband is caring for me and our home. I almost never make dinner and only sometimes do dishes. He’s managing, almost on his own, all kinds of projects around the house that used to be my projects.
Each day when I get home from work, K and I go out for a walk, so this is my primary reflection time. I realized how content I was with everything, but felt some outside pressure that I should be doing more, more prayer time, more date nights, do more to make what is most important a tangible priority. After all, someday K will leave the house and what will be left if I do not invest in my relationship with God and my husband? Not only does it make me sad to think about my little one leaving, I felt these thoughts robbing me of my contentedness. I later asked my husband about this: was he as content as I, or was I being neglectful? He affirmed that he was happy, too. He knows this season in life is short and he is content with how things are today.
This isn’t to say that I don’t have to work on keeping God and my husband as my priorities. I’m still looking for good ways to have daily prayer and date nights are still important. But, I’m not going to chide myself in the meantime for being happy with the way things are. Life is too full of challenges and failures to add to it harsh self-criticism. And K will only be 8 months old for so long. I’d rather, and I think God would prefer it, too, if I soak up all the blessings he has bestowed on me, trusting my self-care to him. I think he can do a better job of it, anyway.
